The house was busy those days. Friends would stop by every day since my partner Alex took his life right before the city had a chance to transition into summer. Sometimes we would gather in the living room with snacks and one of them would sit on the couch in the same spot where I found him dead. I never said a word. Why freak them out? The specialized cleaning company that the police recommended did an amazing job erasing the horror from that morning. Phone calls, visits, helping hands, and food deliveries were flowing in every day. Company and support felt very good but being an introvert and, thus, needing to recharge alone, I couldn’t wait to disconnect each evening with a show in the quiet company of my cat Nimbus. That was the only hour or two when I wouldn’t think about death and the storm that I would have to walk through in the weeks, months, and years to come.
My friend Krispy surprised me with empanadas one day. She knew how much I loved them because they reminded me of my home country, Argentina. During our conversation, she warned me that things could change pretty soon: “The hardest part is when everyone goes away because now everyone is around... checking on you, bringing you food, but this doesn’t last long.” I hadn’t thought about that and picturing an empty house was nearly impossible especially now that it resembled an emergency management agency during a natural disaster. But it didn’t take long for her words to become true and for everyone to return to their lives. Alex’s death became old news and unless I brought it up or posted something on social media related to his death anniversary or what would have been his birthday or our relationship anniversary, no one would remember to check on me. The world had moved on even though I was in the depths of grief.
I don’t blame my friends in any way. I don’t think there’s anyone to blame. Well, that’s not true: I blame time. Our perception of time. Time is never the same after the loss of a loved one. When your loved one dies, your world shatters, and yet, it keeps spinning for those unaffected by the tragedy. Reconciling these two opposite realities is one of the hardest things during grief. Time doesn’t go by for grievers in the same way it does for everyone else. Sometimes I would wake up and it had been months since he died. Other times, it felt just like the week right after his death. Time is not linear during grief and little things can easily trigger you and take you back in time. Navigating each day can feel like walking through a minefield.
Your loved ones are usually there for you at the start trying to get you through what looks like the hardest stage. It could be helping out with overwhelming chores and pressing errands for those first few weeks, getting you through the funeral if there is one, or, as it was my case, moving to a new place. They truly believe they have gotten you through the worst part and now they have to go back to their lives, which can only be on hold to help you out for so long. Unfortunately, they are wrong. The worst part is not over and for you, it’s just the beginning. It’s the beginning of a very different life.
I remember running on adrenaline those first few days after finding Alex’s body and dealing with the police and everyone else. I was very clear-headed, composed, and mostly numbed. Then the pain kicked in but I was still too busy to grieve. I needed to move out of the house and there was just too much to do. Two months later, when I managed to move to a new place, that’s when I started to feel everything. I was very confused and I would constantly ask my counselor, “Why does it feel now like he just died yesterday?” By then, everyone had assumed that I was back on my feet. After all, I had resumed work and was comfortably settled in a new apartment.
The thing is that appearances can be incredibly deceiving during grief. Your friend may appear calm and collected but the truth is that people in grief are expending a colossal amount of energy to keep it together so they can function throughout the day, allowing in some cases only small windows to let the pain out and crumble. So continue to check on your friend as time goes by no matter how good they look.
Here are some easy ways to support your grieving friend:
- Mark key dates on your calendar to check on them
- Death anniversaries are huge and the most commonly missed date by those who are supporting a grieving friend, especially after the first year. In fact, for me, the second year was as bad as the first one. My body is always the first one to remember that the date is coming up. The week leading to it, I start waking up at 4 am, which is the time I used to wake up right after he died. If I’m lost in time and space those days, I miss the connection between puzzling insomnia and his death anniversary until I check a calendar. But my body knows well. I have this feeling of dread that I can’t shake off and what feels like extended panic attacks. My body tenses in anticipation of finding him dead again. “Alex is dead. You are not going to find him dead again,” I repeat to myself hoping to self-soothe. But I can’t snap out of it until the date comes and I get to see for myself that there’s nothing to worry about. The worst has already happened.
- Birthdays can be hard to navigate as well since they can bring up feelings of mortality. In my case, the closer I get to the age he was when he took his life, the more conflicted I feel balancing joy from celebration and thoughts of death and loss.
- Let them know that it’s always okay to talk about their person no matter how much time has gone by. Many of us are afraid to bring up our lost ones and to be met with rolling eyes and phrases like “How come she is still talking about that?”
- Educate yourself on grief and how to support your friend. Expecting your friend to identify what they need and then invest the time and energy to educate others on how to support them can be a lot to ask from them given everything they are going through. Fortunately, grief resources are abundant online. Here are just a few of my favorite Instagram accounts:
- @refugeingrief
- @help.texts
- @goodmourningpodcast