Understanding what to say to and how to behave around someone in grief
Always Make That Phone Call
It can be tricky to know what to say to a grieving friend or even how to behave around them. I really didn’t have a clue until I lost my partner to suicide in 2021 and started to realize how ill-equipped we are as a society to support those who are in deep grief. I still remember to this day staring at the phone when I heard the news that a friend from high school had lost her dad. She was not one of my best friends but definitely someone I appreciated and cared for. I knew the right thing was to say something. Yet, I couldn’t get myself to pick up the phone. I felt anything I managed to say would fall short. How could I possibly say something that could make her feel better? What difference anything I said could make? Would she even want to hear from me? What if my words had the opposite effect and ended up upsetting her? I was a teenager and, thus, had very little life experience and tools to navigate such situations. So I never made that phone call because I had completely missed the point of reaching out to someone experiencing loss. The goal is not to pull them out of sadness and make them feel better. The goal is to acknowledge their unimaginable tragedy and to make them feel seen and supported. Always make that phone call and when in doubt, a genuine “I’m sorry for your loss” goes a long way.
Inappropriate Curiosity
Shortly after two months of the passing of my partner Alex, I went back to work because I couldn’t stand any longer the feeling of being stuck in limbo. At the time, I told myself that I should at least try to have a normal life once more, whatever that meant. However, I was scared to face colleagues and their questions even though I was still working remotely. Only a handful of people from work knew about Alex’s suicide, including my closest office friends. I had suddenly disappeared for two months to deal with the aftermath of his death and I felt it was only a matter of time for someone to ask where I had been. Yet, the questions never came and instead, a coworker from another department surprised me with the most thoughtful and timely words: “It’s good to have you back.” As simple as that. No questions. No inappropriate curiosity. Just one sentence that made me feel welcomed and appreciated while at the same time, respecting my privacy.
Phrases That Can Bother People in Grief
When I read online about the phrases that bother people in grief, I realize that it’s true what they say out there about “Your grief is your own” and “Everyone’s way of grieving is unique.” Some of the things that they find hurtful, inappropriate, or annoying are not necessarily something that I would take offense at. I’m sure the opposite is also true. For me, there were three specific comments from people that would hit me hard mostly because of the way the words would translate in my brain given my particular situation.
“No one should ever go through something like this”
This one came up a lot the moment I shared the details about Alex’s tragic and violent suicide. There’s nothing wrong with the comment itself. On the contrary, it’s more than a sensible reaction to a story that can feel so out of the ordinary. But if no one should go through something like this and I had, then where did that leave me? What was I supposed to do now? Now that my life had deviated from everything that was right and normal. That comment made me feel like I was living a life that shouldn’t be happening, a life that was wrong, and that I would never fit in again with those who had not experienced unimaginable tragedy. I often wonder why we treat anything bad that happens to us like a deviation from life, when in fact, life is both, the good and the bad.
“I don’t understand how you are coping with all of this”
People couldn’t comprehend how I was still standing after everything I’d been through and whenever someone said something along these lines, my first instinct was to always ask back, “What’s the alternative?” Am I supposed to not cope, give up, and opt out of this world like Alex did? What am I supposed to say to such a statement? I was not given any options but to cope with the situation if I wanted to keep living. I feel this comment comes from a place of fear, of placing themselves in my situation and not feeling like they could find it in themselves to cope with something so horrible. And it’s true. The person they are today would likely be unable to cope with such a tragedy. But the person they would become after unimaginable loss would likely be able to cope, not because they are now stronger but because they have to.
“You’ve been so strong”
Even though I do consider myself a strong person and I knew I had displayed great fortitude throughout the whole situation, constantly being told how strong I was quickly started to feel like a curse because the truth was that there was no other option. Again, if I wanted to keep living, I had to be strong. In addition, many grievers like myself were not given the option to stay in bed and cry until our eyes were swollen because there was no one else who could step up and deal with the aftermath of the death. We had to rise to the occasion whether we liked it or not.
Holding Space for Their Pain
To be honest, there were times when nothing sat well with me. Some days, it was like “How dare you treat me like nothing happened” and others, “How dare you treat me like I’m made of glass.” There was no way to win. I guess I just needed people to acknowledge my loss without treating me like I was incapable of handling anything. Acting like nothing had happened would feel invalidating and treating me like I was made of glass, completely disempowering. Unfortunately, most people mistake invalidation for encouragement. It may be tempting to want to cheer your friend up whenever they look sad, to suggest practicing gratitude or finding silver linings, or even putting things into perspective. However, these well-intentioned efforts are not helpful if they end up minimizing their tragedy and dismissing their feelings. The reality is that your friend went through something terrible and that the pain of the loss will be with them for the rest of their lives. The best you can do is to acknowledge it and offer them a safe space for them to crumble with no judgments of weakness or sentiments of pity. They want to be seen, not disempowered. Just hang in the discomfort of bearing witness to their pain because having to hide it constantly is exhausting and will only increase their feelings of isolation. Let them be sad. They are sad because they are grieving, which doesn’t negate the fact that they can be healing at the same time.
If you are still struggling to understand the concept of holding space for someone, there’s a scene in the movie “Society of the Snow” that represents it beautifully. Spoilers ahead so please stop here if you haven’t seen this magnificent film, which portrays the true story of a plane crash in a remote glacier of the Andes, forcing survivors to become each other’s best hope.
Numa is sick and dying and his friend Pancho attempts to comfort him but there’s no way of denying that the end is coming for him.
Numa: “Look at me. I’m 25 years old and I’m dying. I’ve got my entire life ahead of me. I’ve got everything left to do. I want to... see my siblings again. See my mother, my father. I want to dance. I wanna do it all, Pancho. I want to laugh. I want to cry.”
Pancho: “Then cry.”
Numa: “I can’t.”
Pancho: “Do it. Come on, cry. Just cry with me. Come on. Let it go.”
They hug and cry together. Because Numa doesn’t need false hopes. He doesn’t need to hear that everything is going to be okay and that he will make it. He needs acknowledgment and to be witnessed in his pain. Numa doesn’t need someone to make him laugh. He needs to connect with his sadness so he can grieve the life that he will lose. And Pancho gives him the greatest gift a friend can offer: Permission to crumble in loving company.
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